A Modest Proposal for Preventing the Workers of the United States from Being a Burden on Their Employers or Country and for Making them Beneficial to Corporate America
(With apologies to Jonathan Swift) #D15 #ModestProposal #minimumwage #maximumprofit
It is sad beyond description to see the halls of power in Detroit, Lansing, or D.C., or any other place open to congregation, crowded with the messengers of Great Men – or even the Great Men (and great-ish women) themselves – all debasing themselves to lowly public servants in search of relief from the onerous burden that accompanies employing the common worker. These Great Men (and great-ish women), instead of being able to work for their honest livelihood, are forced to employ all their time in strolling, to beg sustenance for their corporations and shareholders, who are the verge of falling out of the 1% by virtue of the tyrannical federal decree that employees be paid a minimum wage equal to $14,500. In the most uncivilized corner of this Nation, the amount towers at $21,000 per annum.
This state of affairs is intolerable. As I write, the Great Men (and great-ish women) have gathered in Cleveland for important business but have already given interviews on the subject, using valuable time that could have been better spent discussing the racism of the Black Lives Matter movement or the burden of current capital gains laws. As most are aware, despite the laudable attempts of Republicans to reduce the tax burden of corporations and minimize the interference of organized labor, average CEO compensation has struggled to rise a paltry 930% or so over the past 30 years, barely surpassing the 10% or so of the average worker. This is no doubt a direct result of the valuable time spent by the Great Men (and great-ish women) in pursuit of additional tax abatements and other corporate rights rather than engaged in productive pursuits. However, an equally significant factor in the slow increase of record corporate profits is the senseless allocation of corporate resources to the most commoditized of all ingredients – human labor.
Twenty-thousand dollars (American, not Canadian) per annum is what the federal government demands each worker receive as a minimum! This ludicrous number must be paid no matter the resulting burden on corporate profits or pricing position. Indeed, many wonderful ideas and positive technological and social advances have already been sacrificed to this abhorrent dictate. Imagine the wonders American corporations could produce were it not for the necessity of paying workers $7.25 per hour. The Greatest of our Great Men (and great-ish women) can only dream of how savings of ten or 20 cents per hour (per employee) might flow, with a roar like Victoria Falls, quickly, powerfully, and directly to the bottom line.
Alas, if the distance of these dreams from reality were the only horror. No. States and even smaller units of government now, at this very moment, contemplate raising (!!!) the minimum wage in the territories under their command. Should the unthinkable happen and these dictates manifest, our Great Men (and great-ish women) will be forced to spend even more time securing public support. That is more time away from the boardroom. More time away from the office. More time away from seminars on tax havens. Personally, I tremble, my cheeks burning with angry tears at the thought.
It is those salty drops of anguish that motivate me to write this modest proposal. I admit, I am no corporate baron, but I can recognize the pristine truth of their arguments. Every dime spent on employees hinders growth, hiring, and corporate profit. However, most of our Great Men (and great-ish women) are so beaten down by this age old federal dictate that they take it for granted and seek only to slow the growth of the minimum wage. But their logic compels a bolder response. Yes, a $9.00 per hour minimum wage is better than a $15 per hour minimum wage. But wouldn’t $7.00 be better than both? What of $6.00? Just imagine the great things our corporations could accomplish if only human labor could be secured for the almost reasonable cost of $12,000 per year!
But why stop there? Logic and intellectual honesty compel us to go further. If we are to maximize the productivity of our Great Men (and great-ish women), not simply increase it, our goal should be the acquisition human labor at the ideal price point: $0.00 per hour ($0,000.00 per annum).
This approach is applicable to virtue every sphere of our economy, not only the more vulgar undertakings such as manufacturing and retail. Our schools and governments – already primed for privatization – would be so much more attractive to corporate bidders if the work of teachers and government employees could be secured at a reasonable rate.
The benefits of such a system of free human labor are obvious: more time for corporate leaders, politicians and other Great Men (and great-ish women) to shape our cities and towns. Greater corporate profits. Freedom from the tyranny of political oversight and regulations. Atlas could not only shrug, but get a massage for that kink in his (or her) neck and take a yoga class or two.
Admittedly, left-wing social conventions frown upon uncompensated labor, as does the 13th Amendment of the U.S. Constitution. However, the former is easily ignored and the latter, at least with regard to our Great Men (and great-ish women) and the corporations they lead, is more suggestion than mandate. Skeptics would inevitably be won over by the bounty trickling down to them as shareholders.
I Profess in the sincerity of my heart that I have not the least personal interest in posting this work, having no other motive than the public Good of my Country and state. I have no workers of my own, by which I can propose to get a single penny. I, in fact, am a teacher at a government school and would hope to make tangible own contribution to this modest proposal should things go as I propose.